Archive for no robots

CheckMate

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 19, 2008 by francisb

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Angry Elf

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 18, 2007 by francisb

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A rogue elf in Canada has been mailing obscene letters to children. So far the elf has traumatized 10 children.

Until the elf is caught, Canada’s entire “Write to Santa” program will be shut down. The operation was 11,000 elves strong with over a million letters written last Christmas.

That seems a little extreme. Little Canadian boys and girls get to hear back from Santa! With only 10 in 1,000,000 odds of getting verbally assaulted. Take those chances, kids.

Glow Cats

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on December 15, 2007 by francisb

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Scientists have made more progress fighting human/cat afflictions. The side effect is that you glow in the dark.

lawl christmas

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 7, 2007 by francisb

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New Giant Killer Sea Animal

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 4, 2007 by francisb

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From the past. Scientists on a remote Artic island have uncovered the remains of a giant prehistoric reptile.

“His team described those 150-million-year-old remains as belonging to a short-necked plesiosaur measuring more than 30 feet — “as long as a bus … with teeth larger than cucumbers.”

The short-necked plesiosaur was a voracious reptile often compared to the Tyrannosaurus rex of the oceans.”

This particular bus-sized maneater is also a new species. Scientists aren’t impressed.

“We are regularly seeing new species of plesiosaurs popping up — in a way because, in the past 10 or 15 years, there has been what we call a renaissance in plesiosaur research.”

Renaiss-what? Scientists are so smart.

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So I says “Renaissanced the renaissance some renaissance. Renaissance.”

The Day the Magic Died

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 3, 2007 by francisb

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A Swedish think tank did the math on Santa’s supposed big night. Santa has 34 microseconds per house, travelling at 3,600 miles per second.

They’ve also debunked the North Pole hoax.

“Sweco’s report on Santa’s most efficient route — which takes into account factors like geographic density and the fewest detours — shows that he wouldn’t be able to make his round-the-world trip from there in time.”

Santa’s Kyrgyzstani, according to the Swedes.

Good job think tank. But there’s still work to be done. What are the logistics of a red-nosed reindeer, or a witty scarf-wearing snowman?

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Enough lies. The Swedes are onto you.

The article also mentions another, more hard hitting, report. Don’t know who wrote it.

“Santa’s sleigh, weighed down with presents and travelling at supersonic speed, would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.”

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Santa never stood a chance.

Merry Christmas kids!

Bodhi?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 28, 2007 by francisb

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A transient surfer has unlocked the mysteries of the universe. Garrett Lisi has released a paper theorizing the unification of everything. He calls it the Theory of Everything. Gnarly.

Basically he believes the universe is shaped like the above picture. He figured it out while working on his doctorate in theoretical physics. Accredited physicists say it’s the best theory they’ve seen in a long time. On top of all this Lisi still finds time to be cool:

“Garrett Lisi, 39, has a doctorate but no university affiliation and spends most of the year surfing in Hawaii, where he has also been a hiking guide and bridge builder (when he slept in a jungle yurt). In winter, he heads to the mountains near Lake Tahoe, Nevada, where he snowboards. “Being poor sucks,” Lisi says. “It’s hard to figure out the secrets of the universe when you’re trying to figure out where you and your girlfriend are going to sleep next month.””

A jungle yurt? Really? Don’t know what that is. I feel cooler just saying it. The universe theory is great, but I probably would’ve linked this article if it just read “Transient Man Hangs in Jungle Yurts.”

Garrett Lisi: pissing everyone off since 1975.