Archive for Christmas

Angry Elf

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 18, 2007 by francisb


A rogue elf in Canada has been mailing obscene letters to children. So far the elf has traumatized 10 children.

Until the elf is caught, Canada’s entire “Write to Santa” program will be shut down. The operation was 11,000 elves strong with over a million letters written last Christmas.

That seems a little extreme. Little Canadian boys and girls get to hear back from Santa! With only 10 in 1,000,000 odds of getting verbally assaulted. Take those chances, kids.


Ho Ho Harassment

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 7, 2007 by francisb


A Santa bot has been talking dirty to kids online. Run by Microsoft, the Santa program uses artificial intelligence to have have online conversations with children regarding their Christmas wishes. Apparently robot Santa has more on his mind.

“The Register, reported that a chat between Santa and his underage nieces about eating pizza prompted Santa to bring up oral sex.”

Programmers are still unsure of how Santa got the ability to talk dirty, but that’s insignificant. The children were asking for it.

“Sohn said Santa’s lewd comment was sparked by someone “pushing this thing to make it do things it wasn’t supposed to do.””

That’s right children; push Santa and Santa will push back. You want pizza? Santa wants a blowjob.

The Day the Magic Died

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 3, 2007 by francisb


A Swedish think tank did the math on Santa’s supposed big night. Santa has 34 microseconds per house, travelling at 3,600 miles per second.

They’ve also debunked the North Pole hoax.

“Sweco’s report on Santa’s most efficient route — which takes into account factors like geographic density and the fewest detours — shows that he wouldn’t be able to make his round-the-world trip from there in time.”

Santa’s Kyrgyzstani, according to the Swedes.

Good job think tank. But there’s still work to be done. What are the logistics of a red-nosed reindeer, or a witty scarf-wearing snowman?

Enough lies. The Swedes are onto you.

The article also mentions another, more hard hitting, report. Don’t know who wrote it.

“Santa’s sleigh, weighed down with presents and travelling at supersonic speed, would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.”

Santa never stood a chance.

Merry Christmas kids!