The Day the Magic Died

A Swedish think tank did the math on Santa’s supposed big night. Santa has 34 microseconds per house, travelling at 3,600 miles per second.

They’ve also debunked the North Pole hoax.

“Sweco’s report on Santa’s most efficient route — which takes into account factors like geographic density and the fewest detours — shows that he wouldn’t be able to make his round-the-world trip from there in time.”

Santa’s Kyrgyzstani, according to the Swedes.

Good job think tank. But there’s still work to be done. What are the logistics of a red-nosed reindeer, or a witty scarf-wearing snowman?

Enough lies. The Swedes are onto you.

The article also mentions another, more hard hitting, report. Don’t know who wrote it.

“Santa’s sleigh, weighed down with presents and travelling at supersonic speed, would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.”

Santa never stood a chance.

Merry Christmas kids!

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Robotic Exoskeleton

Photo does not do it justice. See the video.

“Enough grace to gently play ball, and enough superpower to load a missle on an airplane.”

That’s going on my tombstone.

Bodhi?

A transient surfer has unlocked the mysteries of the universe. Garrett Lisi has released a paper theorizing the unification of everything. He calls it the Theory of Everything. Gnarly.

Basically he believes the universe is shaped like the above picture. He figured it out while working on his doctorate in theoretical physics. Accredited physicists say it’s the best theory they’ve seen in a long time. On top of all this Lisi still finds time to be cool:

“Garrett Lisi, 39, has a doctorate but no university affiliation and spends most of the year surfing in Hawaii, where he has also been a hiking guide and bridge builder (when he slept in a jungle yurt). In winter, he heads to the mountains near Lake Tahoe, Nevada, where he snowboards. “Being poor sucks,” Lisi says. “It’s hard to figure out the secrets of the universe when you’re trying to figure out where you and your girlfriend are going to sleep next month.”"

A jungle yurt? Really? Don’t know what that is. I feel cooler just saying it. The universe theory is great, but I probably would’ve linked this article if it just read “Transient Man Hangs in Jungle Yurts.”

Garrett Lisi: pissing everyone off since 1975.

Lawlz Botz

Bundle of Doom

A British woman is taking a stand against babies.

“While most parents view their children as the ultimate miracle of nature, Toni seems to see them as a sinister threat to the future.”

Earth is mine.

“Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population.”

Sorry kid, Mother Nature wants you out.

“Having children is selfish. It’s all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet,” says Toni, 35.

Because Mother Lineage just can’t get enough.

“When I see a mother with a large family, I don’t resent her, but I do hope she’s thought through the implications.”

We’re talking to YOU, baby-monger.

“My only frustration is that other people are unable to accept my decision.”

Real mature guys.

Wasted Opportunity

Updating a previous Robot Watch story…

Someone paid $40,800 for naming rights to that new butterfly species. It will be called the Minerva owl butterfly.

Seriously

A 10 lb. hairball was surgically removed from an 18-year-old woman’s stomach last week.

On questioning, the patient stated that she had had a habit of eating her hair for many years — a condition called trichophagia.

A schizophrenic homeless man in W. Hollywood has inspired a new clothing line.

So far he has refused to accept much cash, preferring to be paid in food, liquor and paper for his art projects, according to Teddy Hirsh, one of the label’s founders.

A proud day for everyone involved.

Mystery Ape Update: Turns out the mystery animal thought by Florida police to be an orangutan was just a squirrel; an unexciting end to a retarded story.

Regular posts on Monday!