Halloween Special

ADVICE FOR THE KIDS:

Attitude counts: Hey trick-or-treaters, you’re not entitled to free candy. Don’t care what day it is. We wanna hear a trick or treat with some conviction. Or we’ll shut you out, because…

Trick or Treat is an empty threat:Trick is nothing but a paper tiger these days. Still waiting for some punk to put his money where his mouth is. Toughen up kids. We remember a time when Halloween was about vandalism. You want grownups to respect you? First make them fear you.

Go ahead. Try it, junior…

And eat candy apples: Grow some backbone, America’s future. Unpackaged doesn’t mean poisoned. We’re putting $20 inside each one to reward bravery.

FUN FACTS:

Cat ladies are descendants of witches: A common misconception is that it’s lesbians. But that’s just a crude stereotype. Lesbians love women. Witches hated everyone. But cats….

Similarities:
Robes
Odd hats
Growths
Anti-sunlight
Cauldrens
Brooms
Crystal balls
Voodoo
Anti-children

Speaking of children…

Halloween is not the national holiday for pedophiles: It’s actually Christmas. They just put on red pajamas and let the lap dances begin. Our kids will be telling Rudolph their Christmas wishes.
Chicken-hawks dislike Halloween because costumes mask identities. Could be a little person under there.

Maybe that IS a Power Ranger…

On a sad note, The Great Pumpkin did turn out to be a baby-nabber.

Run Linus, Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!

Jack-o-lanterns are a little racist: Why the slanted eyes? We make them squares. Then put sunglasses on, just to be safe.

You rike Harrowreen? Bet you do, racist.

Happy Halloween from The Robot Watch.

Ghosts & Cowardice

If they do exist, they should be embarrassed….

Ghost spokesperson:

Ghost trademark movie:

Show yourself: Ghosts only appear in stairwells or hallways in the middle of the night. To one person. Why not daytime? A park or zoo? What are they hiding?

Oedipus Complex: Ghosts take form as old women, shapeless white blobs, or little children. Grandmas, blankies and babies? Haunt a shrink’s office weirdos!

Cry about it: Ghosts are mostly people that got murdered or trapped in a burning building or buried alive. They get vengence by flicking some innocent guy’s light switches? Deal with it ghosts. We’d hover over the children of our murderer every time they were alone. You don’t fool us. If you can flick lights, you can grab childrens feet.

Boooooooooo: Stop moaning. It sounds kinda funny, but also sad. It reminds us of an old man that got the wind knocked out of him. No, it reminds us of Chewbacca without the stammer. No, it reminds us of a slow person hitting a high-note. No, it reminds us of Frankenstein masterbating. Nailed it!
Many other scary sounds exist: shrieking, howling, snarling, insane asylum laughter, speaking in tongues, speaking gibberish. The Robot Watch suggests a new one.

Person or Robot? Halloween Edition

Halloween is tomorrow. Lots of kids will dress like robots. Lots of robots will pretend to be kids. Why? Because more trick-or-treating robots means less candy for kids. Candy energizes kids. Energetic kids are more likely to be active. And a lazy kid is a robot opportunity.
So what do you give a robot at your door? Good question. Stay away from pennies (free copper), fruits (see: candy), and pencils (free lead). Have a box of paddle ball games on hand.

Paddle ball is a duel threat: Robots are confused by the simplicity of the game, and frustrated that their awkward metal joints cannot master it.

Examine the photos below, and let The Robot Watch prepare you for the big day:

Human: Notice the outer tubes are not connected to anything. Real robots wouldn’t be caught dead with faulty wiring in public.

Robot: Would a human child have the foresight to place a satellite beacon on it’s head? Don’t think so.

(Left to Right) Human, human, human, robot, human: Only a robot pretending to be a human would do the robot while under surveillance. Classic example of hiding in plain sight. Nice distraction robot. Don’t take the bait.

Human: The Robo Stone 9967 featured three central infrared sensors. Good replica kid.

Doesn’t matter: Could be a real trick-or-treater. Could be a robot kid. This thing says it’s got nuclear potential. Don’t call it’s bluff. Give it candy, raisins, pennies, and pencils.

So be alert. Real kids get candy. Robots get paddle ball. Happy Halloween!

Robot Chicken

Sagatoys has created the Dreamchick, a robot that looks and acts like a baby chicken. The Dreamchick is an updated version of Tamagotchi, a similar tiny robot pet that became very trendy a few years ago.

It may look nice and cute at first, but knowing robots, there is a good chance your baby chicken will eventually grow into this:

The Robot Watch does not want to live in a world where Dr. Evil’s son is a prophet. Buy real chicks. Then donate them to America’s farmers when they become un-cute and/or annoying.

Robot Bodyguard?

Back on our day, we dealt with bullies the old-fashioned way: running. But some kids in San Francisco built a one-eyed robot that does pushups on command. And it reeks of nerd-production:

“(the robot) rolled around looking like a cross between R2D2 from “Star Wars” and a chimpanzee with long arms and pincer claws”

Still, bullies might want to single out the robot-free classmates.

American Robot(s) in London?

This has been circulating around for a day or so, but we thought it was still worth mentioning. A giant robot of Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor has been walking around in London to promote the NFL game there this weekend. And Christian Slater (see video) is escorting the robot around.

What…
We assume he’s doing PR for robots, not sports. Actors hate sports.
What a coward. He can’t get work with humans, so he sold us out to gain favor with robots just in case…

We don’t want you anyways Slater. You sold your soul years ago.

Imagine this guy fighting by your side

New Robot Book

Some guy wrote a book on surviving robot attacks:

“Daniel Wilson earned a Ph.D. from the Robotics Institute of Carnegie Mellon University, where he has also received masters degrees in robotics and data mining … HOW TO SURVIVE A ROBOT UPRISING is his first book.”

We’ve read excerpts on his site. We were enjoying it until we found this. Apparently Mr. fancy pants robot degree thinks this is all a big joke. Not cool.

Good to know The Robot Watch remains Earth’s #1 source for hard-hitting robot facts.

Better Know a Robot…

Time to familiarize yourself with the robots of the world. They are everything from acrobats to zookeepers. Stay informed so you don’t look like a fool when the time comes.

Juicer Bot: This robot is stomping on oranges to make smoothies. Just don’t ask for oil in that shake!

Hunter Bot: The days of bloodhound dogs are over. Not only will this robot track down rabbits, he will frighten them motionless, then patiently wait with his hand raised until you arrive with your hunting party.

A Johnny5 prototype: Tells jokes, runs from the military, and helps poor people find love. Something wonderful has happened… Number 5 is alive!

Space Barista: This guy is preparing to serve Starbucks on the moon, because Starbucks is everywhere. What’s with that?

Hobo Catchers: What’s worse: a barefoot hobo in dirty sweats or the robot eating that hobo?

The Future….

We’ve been fortunate enough to come across a robot photo album from the future. We don’t know how it got here, and we don’t want to know….

Do not feed stray robots. You only make them more aggressive.

Robot dogs look terrible at soccer! Stick to begging for scraps.

Tech wars! This human street gang faces off against some robot gang. Geezer in the black shirt is running for cover.

Fix your robo-specs; hole is behind you idiot!

They may get robotic hearts but they’ll never have robotic souls.

This cyborg looks pretty mean. But glasses isn’t scared. He’s thinking about giving this android a surprise coffee bath.

Bill Maher’s Robot Take

Maher Comments on Robot Marriage

Click the link for the video. We can’t upload them ourselves just yet.