CheckMate

Didn’t know Bobby Fischer was such a nut.  

Party Animal Killed

 50-yr-old party elephant succumbs to peer pressure, gets shot by police. Drunk youths spared.

 Witnesses told The Associated Press the elephant stomped on beer and soda bottles and attempted to eat broken glass. They reported drunken party goers taunting the elephant by throwing bottles, lighting fireworks, flashing car lights, hooting and even plucking hairs from the animal’s tail and slapping its rump. 

Angry Elf

A rogue elf in Canada has been mailing obscene letters to children. So far the elf has traumatized 10 children.

Until the elf is caught, Canada’s entire “Write to Santa” program will be shut down. The operation was 11,000 elves strong with over a million letters written last Christmas.

That seems a little extreme. Little Canadian boys and girls get to hear back from Santa! With only 10 in 1,000,000 odds of getting verbally assaulted. Take those chances, kids.

Glow Cats

Scientists have made more progress fighting human/cat afflictions. The side effect is that you glow in the dark.

Political Machine

Earlier today a robot harassed Bill Clinton on the campaign trail. The robot was angry about Bill’s criticism of rapper Sister Souljah in 1992. At the moment, few details are known…

Did this robot travel from the past? Future? What is it? 90′s culture bot? Heckle bot? Hip-hop bot? Assassain bot? Sent by whom? Political enemy? Robot underground? Robot Sky Command? Sister Souljah? Is it safely imprisoned? Enemy combatant? More than one? Isolated incident? Hillary okay? Chelsea? Under siege? Judgement Day? Did the robot have an accent? Dialect?English, right? Were tasers effective? Water guns? Why Bill? Why now?

More as the story develops…

This could be it, John.

nice

A shark jumps above surface, eats swimming kangaroo.

“The two or three-metre long shark leapt out of the water and attacked the unfortunate roo as it paddled out to sea.”

…AND…

5-year-old descendant of Davy Crockett kills 445 lb. bear.
From Grandpa:

“And Davy supposedly killed him a bear when he was three.”

From 5-year-old mini-Crockett:

“Paw-paw I squeezed the trigger and I didn’t close my eyes. I killed him.”‘

lawl christmas

Ho Ho Harassment

A Santa bot has been talking dirty to kids online. Run by Microsoft, the Santa program uses artificial intelligence to have have online conversations with children regarding their Christmas wishes. Apparently robot Santa has more on his mind.

“The Register, reported that a chat between Santa and his underage nieces about eating pizza prompted Santa to bring up oral sex.”

Programmers are still unsure of how Santa got the ability to talk dirty, but that’s insignificant. The children were asking for it.

“Sohn said Santa’s lewd comment was sparked by someone “pushing this thing to make it do things it wasn’t supposed to do.”"

That’s right children; push Santa and Santa will push back. You want pizza? Santa wants a blowjob.

Evel Lawl

New Giant Killer Sea Animal

From the past. Scientists on a remote Artic island have uncovered the remains of a giant prehistoric reptile.

“His team described those 150-million-year-old remains as belonging to a short-necked plesiosaur measuring more than 30 feet — “as long as a bus … with teeth larger than cucumbers.”

The short-necked plesiosaur was a voracious reptile often compared to the Tyrannosaurus rex of the oceans.”

This particular bus-sized maneater is also a new species. Scientists aren’t impressed.

“We are regularly seeing new species of plesiosaurs popping up — in a way because, in the past 10 or 15 years, there has been what we call a renaissance in plesiosaur research.”

Renaiss-what? Scientists are so smart.

So I says “Renaissanced the renaissance some renaissance. Renaissance.”